Being a dad can be as hilarious as it is rewarding, as these funny dad quotes show. You can use these on greeting cards for Father's Day or birthdays, add them to social media posts, and share them with friends. They are sure to get a laugh.
Hilarious Quotes About Being a Dad
Nothing sums up the dad experience quite like these funny quotes:
- "Raising kids is the only job where you work 24 hours a day and it actually costs you money."
- "Being a dad at bedtime is like being a designated driver trying to get your friends to leave the bar."
- "Dad: Spider-killing superhero."
- "My kids always ask me which one of them is my favorite. I don't tell them I don't actually like any of them."
- "No one wants to see Dad dance, but he does it anyway."
- "Being a dad is when you realize you can actually like people who puke in your car multiple times."
- "Fatherhood is all about pretending neck ties are the best gifts you ever received."
- "For the first two years, being a good dad is mostly about keeping your kid from finding new and creative ways to hurt himself."
- "When your kids are toddlers, they'll embarrass you constantly in the grocery store, at the doctor's office, at the park, everywhere. When they're teenagers, it's Dad's turn to pay them back."
- "Nothing you can do can scare me. I raised three daughters."
- "My daughter doesn't have any daddy issues, but I can guarantee her boyfriend will."
- "The key to being an awesome dad is aging without maturing."
- "I'm a typical overachiever. That's why I'm the dad of twins."
- "Having a conversation while having children is like trying to do your taxes in an inflatable jump house."
- "Dad jokes are how I keep from crying."
- "I worked hard to get this dad bod."
- "My boss calls me dad."
- "No really. My dad jokes are proof that I'm the funniest dad alive."
- "There's no joy quite like the happiness that comes from embracing your kids."
- "Don't touch my car, my beer, or my daughter."
- "I know when my kids need money because that's when they laugh at my jokes."
- "Nothing is funnier than people without kids telling me how tired they are."
Funny Dad Quotes From Kids
- "The older I get, the more my dad seems to learn."
- "Dad, I wish I'd inherited your ability to fall asleep anywhere anytime."
- "It's great how we both know some things are true without even having to say it out loud - like that I'm your favorite kid."
- "I'm smiling because I have you as a dad. I'm laughing because you can't do anything about."
- "Dad, thanks for saying 'yes' when Mom said 'no.'"
- "Dad, I have a secret. You're the best parent. Please don't tell Mom."
- "I wouldn't trade my dad for anything. Then again, no one has offered me anything yet."
- "My dad taught me everything he knows. That's why I know nothing."
- "Life doesn't come with instructions, but it does come with a dad who always answers my calls."
- "Thanks again, Dad, for not really killing any of the guys I dated."
Funny Quotes for Stepdads
Show your amusement about the important stepdad in your life. These quotes are perfect for greeting cards and stepdad gifts:
- "You're not my stepdad. You're my bonus dad."
- "You're the best stepdad because you still chose to marry our mom, even after you met us."
- "You can't scare me. I have stepkids."
- "I'm crazy enough to be a stepdad and lucky enough to be your stepdad."
- "My kids call my stepdad because 'partner in crime' sounds irresponsible."
- "All men were created equal, but stepdads got to level up."
Funny Dad Quotes for New Dads
If you're attending a baby shower and need to give a new dad a gift and some advice, one of these quotes can sum things up:
- "Being a dad is about creating a human when you aren't necessarily capable of putting together a bookcase without help."
- "Fathers need to tell little white lies right from the start. They hand you something that looks like a cross between Gollum and a ball of bread dough, and you look at your wife and tell her it's the most beautiful thing you've ever seen."
- "The first years with your wife, staying up until dawn together is romantic. When you have kids, you will want to fight her to the death to avoid being the one who sees the sun come up."
- "Being a dad means learning how changing a mountain of diapers can change your whole life."
- "I leveled up from husband to father."
- "Given the choice between a nap and anything else in the world, a new dad will always choose a nap."
- "New dad advice: teach them to call you "your majesty.'"
- "Pro tip: Learn how to 'fix' toys by removing the batteries."
Famous Hilarious Dad Quotes
Everyone from famous Victorian writers to today's funniest comics has wisdom to impart about the role of fathers. These are some of the funniest dad quotes from famous people:
- "When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant, I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." - Mark Twain
- "Mothers, of course, are all right. They pay a chap's bills and don't bother him. But fathers bother a chap and never pay his bills." - Oscar Wilde
- "To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years." - Ernest Hemingway
- "For fatherhood advice, try to look your child in the eye… get to know their name; that becomes important when you want something. And remember to feed them. That's about all you need." - Will Ferrell
- "I gave my father $100 and said, 'Buy yourself something that will make your life easier.' So he went out and bought a present for my mother." - Rita Rudner
- "Being a dad isn't just about eating a huge bag of gummy bears as your wife gives birth. It means being comfortable with the word 'hero.'" - Ryan Reynolds
- "I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it." - Harry Truman
- "We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'" - Erma Bombeck
- "You have to be adaptable because they consistently keep changing. They'll do something that blows your mind and then they'll spit all their food on the carpet." - Neil Patrick Harris
- "There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let dad sleep.'" - Jim Gaffigan
- "A father carries pictures where his money used to be." - Steve Martin
- "Having children is like living in a frat house. Nobody sleeps, everything's broken and there's a lot of throwing up." - Ray Romano
- "I've been to war. I've raised twins. If I had a choice, I'd rather go to war." - George W. Bush
- "A father is a banker provided by nature." - French Proverb